Pessamistic idealist...

After reflection, conversations, and reading/hearing advice from others, I'm quite a bit less preoccupied by insecure thoughts, doubts, and questions regarding marriage. I'm sure it's not a permanent state of tranquility by all means, but it is enough to get me through the several other responsibilities that surround me for now.

I feel grateful to have a man like Javier in my life. We have our fair share of disagreements, but after some frustration, self pity, and selfishness on both sides, we get through them fairly well, I believe that my love for him actually becomes stronger than it was before the disagreeable topic surfaced.

We're so very different - but what can you expect from a couple who grew up in different countries (with very different cultures), speaking a different language, with different religious beliefs... and of course, the cherry on top, the whole I'm a girl and he's a guy thing. Though there are a set of distinct complications due to our backgrounds, I feel like I am going into this relationship KNOWING it will be harder than anything I've ever done before, but with the faith that it will be worth it. And I believe that my acceptance of this trial will have the possibility of making my marriage better off than the ignorant girl who marries her high school sweetheart thinking it'll be a walk in the park.

Now, to simplify the situation, Javier understands a lot of English, and I am completely fluent in Spanish, so the language is a quite small (or nearly nonexistent) issue. He has been a member of the LDS church (where I have been a member my entire life) for over 3 years now, and has dedicated himself the responsibilities therein. That leaves the big one - culture. Growing up with some catholic beliefs & traditions can definitely be tied into this. Suffice it to say, it's not a recipe for an easy marriage. But then again, recipes don't always come out perfect anyway. Sometimes you've gotta add your own flavor. :) So, off to Mexico for me to learn in 2 weeks what most learn in years. Okay, I'm not totally serious, but I definitely don't plan on taking this trip to sit on the beach and take in the sun. I like to think of it as more of a rushed apprenticeship – A crash course on how to LEARN to be the future wife of a humble, hard working, unique (yet culturally trained) Mexican man.

Though Javier and I are not to the point where we'll soon be engaged (he moves in baby steps... slow but steady), I can't help but entertain the thought of marriage on a fairly regular basis. I've had my share of doubts, and a friend once told me that before considering marriage you shouldn't any doubts (that women who get divorced usually say they had doubts they ignored, and women who are happily married say they had no doubts). Though I question the validity behind the statement (if you're happily married, most likely you've either forgotten what the doubts were or you were mature enough to not make mountains out of mole hills when you agreed to marry a man), I've thought a great deal about this...

I think my doubts and insecurities have been a common denominator in all my relationships. Sort of a very realistic "it's not you, it's me" situation (in regards to which of us are at fault for my insecurities in the relationship). I tend to hope for the ideal, but expect the worst. What would you call that? A pessimistic idealist? So, due to my own HIGH hopes and LOW expectations, I have longed for my boyfriends to have every quality on my list (impossible!) yet expected them to not reach the bar (thus, complaining to the guy that he's not doing "this" or not telling me "that," and overlooking the efforts he DOES make... as well as the qualities he has that AREN'T on my list). I'm not sure if that makes sense... But I've learned that though I may have doubts throughout the relationship, what matters is at the altar - am I accepting his flaws, trusting that he'll accept mine, and loving him unconditionally? If so, although defects & differences have caused doubts prior to marriage, once you take that step, you should, in essence, be without doubt that you're making the right choice - but it doesn't mean you've never had doubts as to your compatibility with the guy, and it doesn't mean you'll not have doubts after you marry either - I believe it matters more how you deal with the doubts when they come - A friend shared a quote with me that says if you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it. The person's defects or personality traits don't cause doubts - you CHOOSE to have doubts, and you can CHOOSE to not have them too.

I'm going to get off my soap box (that is probably made of naivety and ignorance... but so very blissfully) and get packing for Mexico. I'm SO excited!!! WOOHOO!

Love,

Kalli Dawn