Note: Please read and comment, WHOEVER you are - your comments are VERY welcome. I just want to note that this entry is based on my observations and goals growing up surrounded by others who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
Marriage... what is the solution?
You may or may not know that I didn't have the best example of a functional marriage growing up. I don't recall even one instance of mutual love between my parents... That's not to say there never was one, but all I can remember is day after day of fights, stubbornness, talk of divorce and contention. I love my parents - I was a daddy's girl, and you will NEVER hear me say that my dad wasn't an incredible father growing up. My mom is my best friend - There is nothing more I want then to follow the counsel she gives me. But, like others, their marriage "went south," as they say.
HOW does it come to this? Constant disagreements, lack of humility & increase of pride, decrease of SHOWING love and LOVING, the almost constant desire to be out of the presence of the person who years ago you couldn't stand to be apart from...
There are so many couples who experience all of the above... Were they blind when they were dating and "finally" seeing the differences that will inevitably pull them apart? ... OR were they realistic (and not blind) during courtship, but have now forgotten WHY they loved so much? Are they working as hard as they can yet somehow yielding no fruit, or does marriage require more work then they are giving it?
Are they both equally to blame or is one more so than the other? Should a spouse KEEP working hard though no changes come the other? For how long?
Should they stay together even if the "discussions” of divorce every couple of weeks continue for the rest of their lives?
If recently married and already talking of divorce, should they hold off on big decisions (such as buying a house or having children) in order to see if the marriage will work out first?
Who has changed? Whose fault is it? Who needs to humble themselves? Who goes first? How long do you wait for the other to change? Should you truly keep trying and accept that they'll never change (because, as you've learned, people must change on their own, no one can force them, right?) to become what you know they need to become?
To what extent do YOU change to accommodate your spouse, and to what extent to you REFUSE to do so?
Do you keep trying to do everything you can (agree, don't insult, don't criticize, love without conditions, accept flaws, and serve them constantly, etc...) even if your spouse rarely makes the effort? I'm not talking about letting abusive or illegal acts slide, but dealing with smaller yet still significant bad habits, omission of love, and destructive patterns.
WHEN is divorce the better, more mature choice? Is it never the better way, or is there reason for it (aside from the obvious, such as abuse, serious criminal activity, rebellion against God, or maybe infidelity)?
If your spouse won't give up addictions (alcohol, drugs, pornography), repeatedly creates negative financial issues, can't keep a job, doesn't regularly attend church or strive to follow Christ, doesn't keep up with his/her responsibilities as husband/wife, never cleans up after his/herself, is rude or degrading to you as their spouse, or rarely shows love for you in ways you understand it...
Are these things (singly or combined) realistic reasons for divorce? How long do you keep trying to love someone who won't change before you give up?
Marriage is a SANCTIFIED ordinance of God - it isn't something that was on your TO DO LIST a few years ago, it is a BIG DEAL... but wouldn't it be better (even in God's oppinion) to split ways and start over if one or both are too stubborn to work at it and it's been going on a while with no solution?
Especially if you haven't been married very long, and have no kids... wouldn't it just be better to "get out while you’re still ahead?"
And... The most important question (to me) is...
HOW IN THE WORLD do you avoid all this???
Many (my mom included) counsel to date someone for a long time before deciding to get married, but the LDS church suggests to not delay marriage once you find the person you want to be with for eternity. I know there are couples who marry quickly who are EXCEEDINGLY happy and others who are divorced. There are also those who dated 5 years before getting married --- again, some are happy, and for others it didn't work out. Though it helps, I don't know if time has as much to do with it as dedication and desire.
I AM CALLING ALL THOSE WHO HAVE SEEN MARRIAGES WORK (especially those who are IN A MARRIAGE THAT they feel truly works, and will for ETERNITY) to comment. Please, speak to us - the young, naive, ignorant single adults... and tell us the truth you want us to understand.
Is it supposed to almost KILL YOU in order for marriage to ONE DAY be blissful, or CAN a marriage be 100% void of divorce threats, regular bouts of negative criticism, semi-constant feelings of not being loved by your spouse, etc..?
Is it POSSIBLE to have a marriage where you DO have disagreements, but very rarely fight, a marriage where BOTH spouses give in to the desires of the other equally, where the opinion of the other always counts, where both recognize when they hurt the other and quickly apologize, where both learn what makes their spouse feel loved and apply that knowledge... a marriage where both husband and wife strive to put in 100% without requiring the other to do the same, where they don't selfishly think they only have to do THEIR part (their 50%)? And if it IS possible, how do you know you'll be able to HAVE THAT?
I've seen too many problems in the marriages of people I love - too much contention & lack of love to believe that WORKING HARD in a marriage can actually pay off. But observing from the outside, I've seen some marriages that have seemed blissful as well, but based on some experiences (and hearing those of others), there is a pessimist in me that wants to believe that those "perfect" couples also have their dark wars when behind closed doors.
I understand that there will be hard times, but shouldn't they come from OUTSIDE the relationship and be faced TOGETHER instead of being created from within? I tend to have some ideal hopes, but I'm not completely naive. I know a marriage can't be perfect, and I know that stubbornness and pride go a long way, even in the best relationship. I just want to learn what others have through seeing or being a part of a successful marriage, so I can apply it in my future.
PLEASE put me straight. I didn't grow up seeing anything intimate or lovely in my parents’ marriage, and now with my mom and my step dad's marriage things are SO MUCH BETTER, but still SOO far from my ideal.
What is the secret? And how do you know you'll have it before you start it?
This is serious. I AM begging for your comments - and for specific advice and thoughts. THANK you ahead of time for your help!
Love,
Kalli Dawn
okay, so i wrote a lot, and it's not letting me post all of it, sorry, so i'm going to chop it up
ReplyDeletepart one
i think a lot of problems married couples arise because in part, they did not completely understand the personality of their dating partner. there are LOTS of issues that i should have seen while we were dating, and honestly, if i had seen them, and had the maturity to realize what they were, there's a chance we would not have gotten married. there are other issues that i DID see, that i was determined would fight through and love him forever despite, and yet my own immaturity has prevented that wish from coming true, and we have butted horns about them. notice i've referred to maturity level twice now. marriage is all about how you make it. i had serious doubts when i got married. and even now, we often have cat vs dog fights. but we get through them all. i think to myself, i've committed myself to this relationship. he's not doing drugs, he's not abusing me - we'll get through it. and honestly, leaving a sock on the floor isn't a reason for divorce. if you're that OCD, you have no business getting married to a MAN.
part two
ReplyDeletewhat helps me is defining limitations. there's a breaking point to every relationship. you, kalli, as my friend, we have boundaries. you try to kiss my hubby, and it's over. you borrow twenty bucks and never give it back, well, that i can forgive. people aren't perfect, and you have to accept that, or you will always be miserable. i told myself long ago, as long as he never lays a hand on myself, or my babies, if he never comes home drunk or on drugs, if he never cheats on me, then NO MATTER WHAT WE WILL MAKE IT THROUGH ANYTHING!!!!! we've been married a year and a half now. we've gone through so much. we've had financial hardships, we've suffered through debt, death, his ex wife, his son, and now a daughter together. we were sealed in the temple. we've moved four times. he's been forced to change jobs like i change underwear. we've lived with his family, we've lived with my family. and yet we make it work.
part three
ReplyDeletei read a book by dr laura, the proper care and feeding of husbands. i suggest buying your own copy and reading it very often, because you will read it from different perspectives every time. at first, you'll say, ha! i will never treat my husband badly. and then a few months into the marriage, it will make you cry because you feel so guilty, and you will change. and then you will forget, and need to read it again. i'm to that point now, haha.
part four
ReplyDeletean old man was once asked how his marriage lasted so long. he said he will work hard at getting his own way on things that he feels are very important, and then lets his wife decide the rest. when the wife was asked the same question, she gave the same answer. they had learned not to sweat the petty stuff, and enjoy their time together. fathead and i are like that, for the most part. you find someone that you're reasonably compatible with, remember the most important things, and forget the rest. your house will never be 100% clean all the time. you have to sacrifice something for that. i'd rather lay in bed a few extra minutes with the hubby. i'd rather play with the baby a few minutes. we don't live in a pile of trash - the dishes can wait. when you put his needs above that or yourself or others, you will always make it. find someone you can always be honest with. be the kind of person that he can always talk to.
part five
ReplyDeletethere will always be risk involved in any relationship. you will not find anyone that you will know for years and years, and never disagree with. there is no "one" person for everyone. life is about growing and changing, and in order to grow and change, you must meet with resistance. you must grow your love out of the challenges you face as a couple. give yourself to god, and grow closer through him. you won't be perfect - but god doesn't expect you to be, and neither should any man you're thinking about marrying. you'll make mistakes, you'll learn, and you'll grow. marriage is like life - it's not about perfection NOW, it's about perfecting oneself, and taking your favorite person along for the ride.
part six (last part - sorry!!)
ReplyDeletei married my best friend. we have had very hard times, and there have been times that i didn't think we were going to make it. there have been times when i've locked myself in the bathroom and cried like the world was ending. but then i realize, if the world WAS ending, there's only one person that i'd want to hold, and then i go find him and hold him. we're young and dumb, yes. he's had a failed marriage, yes. we're SCARED, YES!!!! but i get the feeling that i was this scared at the concept of coming down to this earth in the first place. i was scared at the concept of motherhood (still am!) but you can't go through life scared of things. sure, there are other failed marriages out there - but this is YOUR life, YOUR chance at happiness. obviously there's no "golden equation". there's no guarrantee that it will work out. but that's not really what life is about, is it?
amét landry