Christmas Eve is here, and I'm surrounded by... an empty house. My room mates have gone to be with family (I'm assuming, since I haven't seen them around .. haha), Javier is working all day, my family is far away (and I'm missing them a lot), and those I know around here are all doing their own thing for the Holiday. It's just me and my thoughts... scary - I may as well be in an insane asylum.

In reality, my thoughts aren't all that terrifying, but the fact that I am so keenly aware of the thousands of them that pass through my mind each minute... I don't know how I haven't developed some psychological disorder. Come, enter the colorful chambers of my mind. I'll let you in on all the thoughts (those I can tell you) on my mind right now:

*Need to: clean my house, pay the bills, cook some food, call the MTC and get my immunization record from them so I can finish the application process to MTSU, start a new gym membership, finally finish my laundry, send some Christmas presents (oops, too late), send some paperwork in to the office, fix the towel bar in my bathroom, unclock the toilet downstairs, fix a leaky pipe (and the mold gathered below the sink) in the OTHER downstairs bathroom, buy some blinds, determine some kind of organization for my kitchen, throw out some food (not mine) that has gone bad, fix (or replace) the front door handle, clean my car, change the oil, get the emmissions checked, register my car in Tennessee, get a Tennessee Drivers License (finally) ... and the list goes on.

THAT small list of current thoughts must have bored you out of your minds. It took me all of 3 minutes to type it, and it's ONLY THE BEGINING of what is on my mind right now. In order to avoid the possibility of forcing someone else into thinking they should send themself to the Cuckoo's nest (should someone actually read this), I'll stop logging my thoughts in massive quantity for now. But you should know that you procceed at your own risk.

Ahhhh, the sweet frangrance of a NEW YEAR - it almost brings me as much pleassure as brushing my fingers across the blank page of a new journal. What goals should I set? The familiar ones, possibily... Lose weight, clear up the skin, save money.

Or maybe I should do something different...

only set ONE goal...

NEW YEARS GOALS:

1. Don't set a single goal ALL YEAR LONG.

Do you think I'm crazy? (maybe a trip to the mental hospital would be a better goal) Honestly though, do I EVER even keep the goals I set? Yes, I'm asking YOU! You know me so well - so TELL ME, have I ever completed a goal I've set personally? Sadly, I can't even think of one. Don't get me wrong, I must boast that I am THE BEST goal setter I've ever met - EVER! Oh but completing, reaching, finishing... doing....ahhh..

OKAY - perk up! No negative thinking! In positive terms, I hope, think, and dream in the future. I LOVE making plans for the comming year - for the next 5 years, 10 years... for my LIFE! When given the choice, I'm more prone to spend my New Years Eve intricately thinking of goals than partying the night away. I'd much rather read Steven Covey and make every list and map he suggests, keeping them in a notebook, on the cover of which I wrote "MY GOALS" in BIG, BOLD, permanent black marker. I'm a planner. I think I learned it from my dad.

But I learned something else too - most likely from others, my environment, and my own experiences... That is procrastination is an easier path - when focussed on the future, but when present knocks at your door, procrastination becomes your ultimate enemy.

So - back to New Years goals. If (FOR ME.. not you, most likely) setting goals = procrastination, and procrastination = ultimate sorrow, THAN setting goals = ultimate sorrow. Wow, suddenly I understand the point of those pythagorisms from 9th grade geometry... sorry, sidetracking again. As I was saying, if I set New Years goals, I'm only setting myself up for failure. THIS YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT. This year, my New Years "GOAL" is to not set any goals, or plans or mission statements or to do lists...

I'll tell you how this will work out. It's time to live in the present, and forget about Mr. Future for a while. I'll get back to him once my RIGHT NOW is worked out. I know what you're thinking... "well, Kalli, you're hypocritical because you said you weren't going to set any goals, and you just set a goal to live in the present," but I'm here to tell you that it is not a goal or a plan or something I'm going to try to incorporate into some "new me," but simply a discovery of a need. Whether I live it or not is up to my day to day actions.

So there you have it - As of January 1st, 2011 I will begin my year without New Years Goals. Should you feel the inclination to see how it goes, and to find out if I actually perform this SINGLE goal I have set, please return. I enjoy your company - just about as much as my empty house. Please, have a merry Christmas, and feel free to add your goals for the New Year below. I would very much appreciate it, since I'm already missing my list of goals - and the Near Year hasn't even started yet.

With many warm wishes this Holiday,
Kalli Dawn

Pessamistic idealist...

After reflection, conversations, and reading/hearing advice from others, I'm quite a bit less preoccupied by insecure thoughts, doubts, and questions regarding marriage. I'm sure it's not a permanent state of tranquility by all means, but it is enough to get me through the several other responsibilities that surround me for now.

I feel grateful to have a man like Javier in my life. We have our fair share of disagreements, but after some frustration, self pity, and selfishness on both sides, we get through them fairly well, I believe that my love for him actually becomes stronger than it was before the disagreeable topic surfaced.

We're so very different - but what can you expect from a couple who grew up in different countries (with very different cultures), speaking a different language, with different religious beliefs... and of course, the cherry on top, the whole I'm a girl and he's a guy thing. Though there are a set of distinct complications due to our backgrounds, I feel like I am going into this relationship KNOWING it will be harder than anything I've ever done before, but with the faith that it will be worth it. And I believe that my acceptance of this trial will have the possibility of making my marriage better off than the ignorant girl who marries her high school sweetheart thinking it'll be a walk in the park.

Now, to simplify the situation, Javier understands a lot of English, and I am completely fluent in Spanish, so the language is a quite small (or nearly nonexistent) issue. He has been a member of the LDS church (where I have been a member my entire life) for over 3 years now, and has dedicated himself the responsibilities therein. That leaves the big one - culture. Growing up with some catholic beliefs & traditions can definitely be tied into this. Suffice it to say, it's not a recipe for an easy marriage. But then again, recipes don't always come out perfect anyway. Sometimes you've gotta add your own flavor. :) So, off to Mexico for me to learn in 2 weeks what most learn in years. Okay, I'm not totally serious, but I definitely don't plan on taking this trip to sit on the beach and take in the sun. I like to think of it as more of a rushed apprenticeship – A crash course on how to LEARN to be the future wife of a humble, hard working, unique (yet culturally trained) Mexican man.

Though Javier and I are not to the point where we'll soon be engaged (he moves in baby steps... slow but steady), I can't help but entertain the thought of marriage on a fairly regular basis. I've had my share of doubts, and a friend once told me that before considering marriage you shouldn't any doubts (that women who get divorced usually say they had doubts they ignored, and women who are happily married say they had no doubts). Though I question the validity behind the statement (if you're happily married, most likely you've either forgotten what the doubts were or you were mature enough to not make mountains out of mole hills when you agreed to marry a man), I've thought a great deal about this...

I think my doubts and insecurities have been a common denominator in all my relationships. Sort of a very realistic "it's not you, it's me" situation (in regards to which of us are at fault for my insecurities in the relationship). I tend to hope for the ideal, but expect the worst. What would you call that? A pessimistic idealist? So, due to my own HIGH hopes and LOW expectations, I have longed for my boyfriends to have every quality on my list (impossible!) yet expected them to not reach the bar (thus, complaining to the guy that he's not doing "this" or not telling me "that," and overlooking the efforts he DOES make... as well as the qualities he has that AREN'T on my list). I'm not sure if that makes sense... But I've learned that though I may have doubts throughout the relationship, what matters is at the altar - am I accepting his flaws, trusting that he'll accept mine, and loving him unconditionally? If so, although defects & differences have caused doubts prior to marriage, once you take that step, you should, in essence, be without doubt that you're making the right choice - but it doesn't mean you've never had doubts as to your compatibility with the guy, and it doesn't mean you'll not have doubts after you marry either - I believe it matters more how you deal with the doubts when they come - A friend shared a quote with me that says if you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it. The person's defects or personality traits don't cause doubts - you CHOOSE to have doubts, and you can CHOOSE to not have them too.

I'm going to get off my soap box (that is probably made of naivety and ignorance... but so very blissfully) and get packing for Mexico. I'm SO excited!!! WOOHOO!

Love,

Kalli Dawn

Calling all successful couples & children of successful couples

Note: Please read and comment, WHOEVER you are - your comments are VERY welcome. I just want to note that this entry is based on my observations and goals growing up surrounded by others who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

Marriage... what is the solution?

You may or may not know that I didn't have the best example of a functional marriage growing up. I don't recall even one instance of mutual love between my parents... That's not to say there never was one, but all I can remember is day after day of fights, stubbornness, talk of divorce and contention. I love my parents - I was a daddy's girl, and you will NEVER hear me say that my dad wasn't an incredible father growing up. My mom is my best friend - There is nothing more I want then to follow the counsel she gives me. But, like others, their marriage "went south," as they say.

HOW does it come to this? Constant disagreements, lack of humility & increase of pride, decrease of SHOWING love and LOVING, the almost constant desire to be out of the presence of the person who years ago you couldn't stand to be apart from...

There are so many couples who experience all of the above... Were they blind when they were dating and "finally" seeing the differences that will inevitably pull them apart? ... OR were they realistic (and not blind) during courtship, but have now forgotten WHY they loved so much? Are they working as hard as they can yet somehow yielding no fruit, or does marriage require more work then they are giving it?

Are they both equally to blame or is one more so than the other? Should a spouse KEEP working hard though no changes come the other? For how long?

Should they stay together even if the "discussions” of divorce every couple of weeks continue for the rest of their lives?

If recently married and already talking of divorce, should they hold off on big decisions (such as buying a house or having children) in order to see if the marriage will work out first?

Who has changed? Whose fault is it? Who needs to humble themselves? Who goes first? How long do you wait for the other to change? Should you truly keep trying and accept that they'll never change (because, as you've learned, people must change on their own, no one can force them, right?) to become what you know they need to become?

To what extent do YOU change to accommodate your spouse, and to what extent to you REFUSE to do so?

Do you keep trying to do everything you can (agree, don't insult, don't criticize, love without conditions, accept flaws, and serve them constantly, etc...) even if your spouse rarely makes the effort? I'm not talking about letting abusive or illegal acts slide, but dealing with smaller yet still significant bad habits, omission of love, and destructive patterns.

WHEN is divorce the better, more mature choice? Is it never the better way, or is there reason for it (aside from the obvious, such as abuse, serious criminal activity, rebellion against God, or maybe infidelity)?

If your spouse won't give up addictions (alcohol, drugs, pornography), repeatedly creates negative financial issues, can't keep a job, doesn't regularly attend church or strive to follow Christ, doesn't keep up with his/her responsibilities as husband/wife, never cleans up after his/herself, is rude or degrading to you as their spouse, or rarely shows love for you in ways you understand it...

Are these things (singly or combined) realistic reasons for divorce? How long do you keep trying to love someone who won't change before you give up?

Marriage is a SANCTIFIED ordinance of God - it isn't something that was on your TO DO LIST a few years ago, it is a BIG DEAL... but wouldn't it be better (even in God's oppinion) to split ways and start over if one or both are too stubborn to work at it and it's been going on a while with no solution?

Especially if you haven't been married very long, and have no kids... wouldn't it just be better to "get out while you’re still ahead?"

And... The most important question (to me) is...

HOW IN THE WORLD do you avoid all this???

Many (my mom included) counsel to date someone for a long time before deciding to get married, but the LDS church suggests to not delay marriage once you find the person you want to be with for eternity. I know there are couples who marry quickly who are EXCEEDINGLY happy and others who are divorced. There are also those who dated 5 years before getting married --- again, some are happy, and for others it didn't work out. Though it helps, I don't know if time has as much to do with it as dedication and desire.

I AM CALLING ALL THOSE WHO HAVE SEEN MARRIAGES WORK (especially those who are IN A MARRIAGE THAT they feel truly works, and will for ETERNITY) to comment. Please, speak to us - the young, naive, ignorant single adults... and tell us the truth you want us to understand.

Is it supposed to almost KILL YOU in order for marriage to ONE DAY be blissful, or CAN a marriage be 100% void of divorce threats, regular bouts of negative criticism, semi-constant feelings of not being loved by your spouse, etc..?

Is it POSSIBLE to have a marriage where you DO have disagreements, but very rarely fight, a marriage where BOTH spouses give in to the desires of the other equally, where the opinion of the other always counts, where both recognize when they hurt the other and quickly apologize, where both learn what makes their spouse feel loved and apply that knowledge... a marriage where both husband and wife strive to put in 100% without requiring the other to do the same, where they don't selfishly think they only have to do THEIR part (their 50%)? And if it IS possible, how do you know you'll be able to HAVE THAT?

I've seen too many problems in the marriages of people I love - too much contention & lack of love to believe that WORKING HARD in a marriage can actually pay off. But observing from the outside, I've seen some marriages that have seemed blissful as well, but based on some experiences (and hearing those of others), there is a pessimist in me that wants to believe that those "perfect" couples also have their dark wars when behind closed doors.

I understand that there will be hard times, but shouldn't they come from OUTSIDE the relationship and be faced TOGETHER instead of being created from within? I tend to have some ideal hopes, but I'm not completely naive. I know a marriage can't be perfect, and I know that stubbornness and pride go a long way, even in the best relationship. I just want to learn what others have through seeing or being a part of a successful marriage, so I can apply it in my future.

PLEASE put me straight. I didn't grow up seeing anything intimate or lovely in my parents’ marriage, and now with my mom and my step dad's marriage things are SO MUCH BETTER, but still SOO far from my ideal.

What is the secret? And how do you know you'll have it before you start it?

This is serious. I AM begging for your comments - and for specific advice and thoughts. THANK you ahead of time for your help!


Love,

Kalli Dawn