Work is going well, and I seem to be doing something right, which I am SO GLAD about. My boss expects a lot of her tutors, and I want SO MUCH to always live up to that expectation. I know it's hard, but I can do it. This is really the first time I've felt so "empowered" (as you said, Nat) in a job. Other jobs simply haven't mattered as much to me. I worked because I needed money, and it added a bit of social life. I liked working for Verizon, and I sometimes went to work for more then the paycheck and cell phone discount, but it never came close to what I feel now. I feel a strong desire that no matter how incompetant or underqualified I may feel sometimes, as I learn to teach and mold these children, I will keep pushing along, doing all in my power to be better, remember more, and work harder. It's amazing - I may have had a team leader or two in my past who thought I was a below average employee (probably because I didn't like my job, and I hated selling things to people when I knew I would say no if I were them) but now I feel that as this progresses I won't be seen as an under average or even average employee. I won't let myself be seen that way, not here, not when I have a chance to make a difference and get paid while I do it. Once or twice so far (in only a month) I have felt that I'll never reach the potential I need to in order to be a great tutor, and I have felt the "ganas" (desire, want, temptation, itch) to give up. But in those moments of weakness, I have realized how much I am being molded - not only by the examples of co-workers and my boss, not only by the belief those I work with have in this program, not only by the children and their parents... but even more, by GOD. My Heavenly Father wants me to learn to teach - to learn to express myself. And I KNOW that he has given me this chance to do that. And he worked through a very hard miracle worker named Jessica (my boss) in order to give me that chance, though I may have been underqualified in comparison to others. I think she's starting to see evidence that she made a good choice in hiring me. I am hearing good feedback from her and being given more responsibility (at first I was only working Wednesday & Saturday but now I am also working Monday and Tuesday, and in 3 different counties!), and I love that. She believes in what we do; she BUILT what it is we do - this program is her baby. She's been working here for like 10 years and I believe she built this program here in Tennessee from the bare roots. Whether this is short term, or ends up becoming a beautiful cause for which I labor the rest of my working life, it has built, is building, and will build me up even more than I realize, as long as I do all possible to learn from it.

It's amazing... because these aren't just pretty words - it's not just me being all poetic. I really feel this - it is honestly the first time I have felt the strong possibility of making a career out of my job. I saw a quote that says "Choose a job you really love, and you will never work a day in your life." I LOVE that. I feel that way so far - all I have done up until now I have enjoyed very much - I look forward to going to visit these kids SO MUCH, especially now that I have regular appointments and will be able to build relationships with them and hopefully see them progress.

As far as weight loss, things are going well. Tuesday and Wednesday I didn't lose ANYTHING (and I don't know why because I was obeying 100%, seriously!), but thank goodness this morning I dropped a bit more. One of the families I visited yesterday insisted I eat some food the mom prepared (BBQ chicken, potatoes, and rice) and I said no thanks at first, but then she looked put out and asked again, and I didn't know how to explain the diet I'm on and deny the food without her feeling ofended (Hispanic women feel offended very easily if you turn down their cooking), so I ate some food I wasn't supposed to. Then today my boyfriend and I made cookies (ever since I made home made chocolate chip cookies for him about a month ago, he's been obsessed and wanting to make them a lot... which presents a problem, since I'm dieting. :) AH!), and I ate 1-2 (a few bites and a bit of dough). I know that's going to make a big difference. ARGH! In this diet you have to be SO STRICT because your body is very sensative to starches, sugars, and oils! I bet I'll weigh more tomorrow. By the way, my weight this morning was 237.4lbs. As of this morning, I have dropped about 8 lbs in 8 days.

Thanks for reading. Thank you for your comments, Savanna and Natalie! Yes the job is challenging, but as you can tell it's a very GOOD challenge. And Savanna, you know as well as I do that losing 1.3 lbs is GOOD! The only bad is going up! Way to go! Yay for us!


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Kalli Dawn