Weight update: As of this morning, I weigh 230.0 lbs. I've dropped 17 pounds in 19 days. My goal is to get down to 215 (to complete 32 lost in a month) by weigh-in on the morning of April 4th. That is 12 days, including today, so I'll need to lose 1.25 lbs per day. Gotta be 100% exact with the diet in order to meet this goal. I will succeed!

This is my blog, right? My space, my escape, my little corner of expression. So it's about time I write what I am feeling. It's about time I lift a burden off my shoulders, by writing about this rollercoaster of thoughts I ride that seems completely out of my control. I'm always wondering, always comparing, always second guessing, doubting, thinking... Let's see if I can explain my thoughts clearly.

I have a wonderful boyfriend - He is very active at church, holds the priesthood, teaches in elders quorum, and is striving to progress as he needs to. He has a good job, has worked there for 8 or 9 years, is a manager, and works VERY HARD. He shows dedication and determination in all he does. He thinks his decisions through and hardly ever makes promises he doesn't keep. He is very affectionate (telling me often that he loves me, holding me in his arms tightly like no guy has ever done, always holding my hand, and ohhh how he kisses me - gently and so sweet) and playfull (jokes around a lot, having fun with me, teasing, poking, flirting, etc... sometimes even a bit too much. He also is SO GOOD with kids and practically becomes one with them when he plays with them; he also enjoys kids movies and when I read him kids books that I have from work.) He shows a future of security. What I mean by this is that he is someone who thrives on tradition and is thrown off by changes. Once he finds something that works well, he tends to stick with it and be skeptical when approached with something different. He gets comfortable, and lives (without realizing it, I think) by the idea "If it's not broken, don't fix it!" But when he DOES make a decision or accept a commitment, he takes it seriously, assumes his responsibility, and is very dedicated to whatever it might be (church or work responsibilities, relationships, appointments, goals or major changes, etc...). As my boyfriend, he never lets a day go by where we don't talk - there have actually been only a few days since I moved to Tennessee that we haven't seen each other. He always pays for both of us when we go out, and often even when we go shopping at the grocery store. Even with a couple birthday parties of friends I've gone to, he insists on paying for half the present, even though she's my friend and he doesn't even know her! I have been surprised and so thankful that he feels strongly about financial help and support being a responsibility of a steady boyfriend. He also worries about me and my basic needs being taken care of. He gives me endless support in my personal goals (such as losing weight), he worries A LOT (and expresses it) if there is a problem or stress with my job, or if I'm sick, or if I'm stressed out or overworked. He is also VERY in control and self disciplined. Once he understands the importance (or his own desire) of completing a responsibility or obeying a rule, he acts. He thinks of the consequences, and controls himself. This is such a blessing for me - it makes dating life more simple, fun, and exciting!

And yet... with all this (and, I'm sure, more), I still feel confused. More and more often, the thought of breaking up has been crossing my mind. With all the wonderful characteristics he has, there seems to be a few things that are too important for me to ignore. Trying to get him to communicate and express himself more has been an ongoing battle for me. I believe he has gotten better at it, but still seems to only express himself when he MUST. This tends to put a damper on our relationship, because this communication tends to be mostly the negative things that he feels absolutely unable to hold inside. And that's okay - it's important to express things you don't like, things you want to be different, etc... but it's hard for others when it's one of the few things you ever express. I want to see what his thoughts and feelings are when he's so exquisitly happy that he can't contain it anymore and the words just come out like a waterfall. I want to know what he thinks about his future; I want to hear stories about his past. I want to hear what his goals are, what his likes and dislikes are. I want him to put his cards on the table. But he's just not like that - it's too difficult for him. And when I tell him I want him to express himself more, he says he feels like he'll never be what I want him to be. It would be different if he told me "I know I have a problem with communicating. Expressing myself is hard, but I'll work on it." .... or something like that. It'd be easier if he would tell me that he agrees with me that communication is important. Another thing that is difficult is this thing with change - he is set in his ways, and that can be good, but when it comes to good changes, he is blind and doesn't want to take a chance that a better way of doing something might actually exist. A silly example of this has to do with cookies. I made him chocolate chip cookies a couple months ago. He loved them. We made them together, then he made some on his own. I convinced him (almost had to beg) the other day that we should do peanut butter chocolate chip cookies with half a batch. He didn't like them as much as the originals. Now he refuses to try ANY other cookie besides the chocolate chip cookies. No adding extra ingredients, no trying "new chocolate chip cookie" recipes, no adding or subtracting ingredients, etc... Now think important decisions - if he is so content with his chocolate chip cookie, and refuses to even TRY an oatmeal raisin or M&M cookie, and put a little trust someone else when they tell him of the possibly JOY he could feel in the change, it will be so hard for him to trust someone when they tell him ideas on how to raise his kids, when they try to give him suggestions on how to communicate more easily/openly, when they ask him to take on new responsibilities, when he has to move to a new area where he doesn't know anyone, etc... there are so many times in life where, in order to move on and progress, we must willingly set down that chocolate chip cookie, step into the unknown, and try a new flavor. On the same topic, I can't have the psychological conversations with him I crave to have. They don't interest him. We rarely have deep spiritual conversations about the scriptures or docterine. These are all things that are very related, but they're needs of mine that are rooted so deep in my being. There are a few other things, but those are the big ones.

My point in writing this was to clarify (to myself) what in the world I am thinking, as well as to ask those who may read this if you think I'm being way to dramatic and overanalyzing things. There are so many things Javier has that past guys I've dated didn't have - and those things are starting to become necesities for me. I love so much about Javier. But the thing with communication and psychological/profound conversation... well, one of my ex boyfriends and I had such a strong connection with communication. I never realized how strong it was until recently, and it's hard to not have that now. It's hard to realize that the communication quality in men is difficult to find. But that same ex boyfriend also lacked in many ways (listed above) Javier makes up for. So how do you weigh this all out? Do you trust that he'll change, and stay with him? Do I stay with him, accept the fact that he's not going to change, and learn to always love him, though he will never be that companion who will express his opinions and with whom I can share deep conversation? Do I give up the wonderful characteristics I see in him, trusting that I will find someone else who more fully meets my needs?

It's hard. And confusing. I love my job here in Tennessee. I love the social network I have here. I love my ward. I love my boyfriend. But still, I've been considering options. And, knowing me, and the millions of thoughts that go through my brain each hour of everyday, this may pass tomorrow. It is quite possible that tomorrow I will be the happiest girl who ever moved to Tennessee to date her wonderful black Mexican boyfriend.

Thanks for reading. I really appreciate it.

Kalli Dawn